Day 365: 365 days!! I made it!!!

Today is 365 posts on my blog!! I will admit this past semester burnt me out quite a bit and I started to literally not have much time to write anything of substance before falling asleep. That’s okay though because I did it!!! 365 days of posts and 365 days of honesty and openness about my heart and thoughts on this blog. I am really thankful I took the time to write out how I actually felt and especially with this past tough year. Things got hard but I never gave up. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it a few times… I am just so lucky to have had wonderful friends, family, and my love around me. The hard times are when you need them most, and I am so thankful I did. I think it’s the difficult times where you find out who your friends really are and who will still love you and be there for you even if you are going through such a battle.

At the beginning of last year I stated on this blog that I wanted to work on a few thing. I had goals. These goals were:
“I would like to spend the year…

improving myself- mentally and physically.

opening my mind.

not only making lists, but actually complete the tasks on them.

finding a new job, so that I can start saving.

keeping myself better updated with current events.

finding something to be passionate about.

facebooking less… exponentially less.

getting involved with a program that helps to make a difference such as It Gets Better, a suicide prevention hotline, or possibly a LGBT community program…

learning and practicing more photography.

FINALLY declaring a major!”

I thing I did pretty darned good with tackling most of this list. Before hurting my ankle I definitely had been steadily improving myself physically. I did two 5Ks and was more in shape and healthy that I had ever been in my life with all the running and dedication I was putting forth. I have a food doctor appointment coming up so once they tell me what’s wrong and whether I can put stress on it again, I really hope to get back out there. I feel I have improved myself mentally and opened my mind and heart to so many new things. I have made sure to be mindful of those things I didn’t quite understand and to try and my curious rather than judgmental.

My mind has absolutely been opened this past year. I can only hope to read more books and meet new people and genuinely listen and have my mind opened by them.

As far as the making lists and doing the things on them, I have worked on that, but honestly I know I need some more work on that. This past semester involved a ton of prioritizing with all of the constant work I was doing.

Not only did I find that new job but I found two! And I really love where I’m at now.

The keeping myself better updated on current events I was good at for a while bit I know I need to improve on that.

Something to be passionate about. For me, this past year that involved my love of running, hot yoga, taking pictures, and of course the love of my life, James.

Facebooking less… I feel like this one was a success, however I always feel like this one can be improved.

I did get myself involved with a program that makes a difference. I am signed up for ASB where I will provide my time to those in need for a week, and actually before the break is up I intend to find a hospital or nursing home to volunteer at.

As far as the photography thing goes. Ill be honest last semester kind of burnt me out and I just didn’t feel inspired. This next semester should be so much better though, and now that I got a dslr camera for Christmas I cannot wait to see what is in store!! I do want to take a photography class to learn the basics at some point real soon.

Best of all, in my opinion… I DECLARED A MAJOR AND FINALLY KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE!! I finally have a plan and it feels so good! One of the most stressful things is knowing you are running out of time, yet having everyone question your major and life choices when you aren’t even sure yourself. I have to give James a shout out on this one because he listened to me change my mind so much and talk about it so much. He was patient and never complained about my switching my mind, and always comforted me when I got super frustrated about not knowing what I wanted to do with my life. I am so thankful for that.

Speaking of which… another amazing thing that happened this year… An amazing guy walked into my life and made me the happiest I have ever been. He brought me up when I was feeling down, and he came just in time when my world felt like it was crashing down as I felt hopeless watching my grandma suffer and knowing her fate. I wish he could have met her, but I wouldn’t have wanted her to meet him in the state she was in. She was really out of it and not herself at the end. It was so hard to watch. But I am so thankful to have had this wonderful boy by my side to get me through because quite honestly… I was crying multiple times a week when she was at our house and just having to watch her die and lose her mind basically. It is probably the saddest thing I have ever had to watch. Quite honestly I don’t know where I’d be right now without him. He was my sunny sky when things were grey and for that I will always be in his debt. ❤ He showed me what true love was, and proved me so so wrong about the notion that "all guys are the same." He is special, and everything I was searching for and more. I don't say things like this very often but quite honestly he was a blessing. We have been together a little over eight months now, and he still makes me the happiest girl. 🙂

Day 362: COOKIES

20121229-014248.jpg

I had a really good night with some fun peeps tonight. I am so excited to start mine and James’s new board game rule. Every gift giving holiday-like birthday or Christmas, we now have a rule that at least one gift must be a board game of some sort. I am really excited about this and glad we have so much fun. 🙂 I really hope we can possibly host more board game nights in the future because they’re actually a blast and a lot more filled with memories than simply watching a movie or going out to dinner. Not that I don’t love doing those things too. I am just so thankful I have such a fun boyfriend with such diverse interests. No matter what we do we alway have fun, and he is my whole world. I am so glad to have such an amazing guy in my life. 🙂 For a while there I was starting to question if they even existed.

Day 345: Fun date night

Tonight I got to see James for the first time on a Saturday in a long time since he is usually working. We had so much fun-as we always do! We had dinner and then went to Walmart to do a $15 gift challenge. We both separated ways and had to buy something or somethings for the other person, doing our best to spend as close up to $15 that we could. It was really fun to go searching, and also really fun to give each other the gifts! I really did enjoy the night with him. I think we both needed it after such a long and dreadful week. These are the goodies I received at the end of the challenge. 🙂 Yes, they were actually thoughtful, just like my amazingly thoughtful and sweet boyfriend.

20121202-034907.jpg

Day 318: Christmas break is so close…

Never in my life have I felt so defeated by a class. I am putting so much into this class, and yet I still feel just as overwhelmed about it. I am more than ready for this semester to be over and done with. I’m not sure how I’ve even lasted this long. My life is non-existent and I long for the day when I will be free from its grasp. It genuinely is affecting my life in a bad way, and I feel like I have been so pessimistic this semester because of it. I am the kind of person who generally does her best to see the best in things. Who looks at the silver lining, and perhaps, yes, sometimes wears the rose-colored lenses. I can’t do that with this class. I just feel defeated and exhausted and I cannot wait to just get through it already. I am so excited about next semester. Please hurry up and get here.

20121104-204405.jpg

I was going through my previous posts and remembered that there was one I titled “Moments” that I meant to go back and talk about. Basically that day I put everything aside and just spent some time with my mom. We listened to the release of a new Taylor Swift song together and just danced in the kitchen. It was nice. I hardly ever get to see her anymore, and I realized that I need to make a more conscious effort to do so here on out. Especially with everything that has happened this year, I have learned that I must appreciate what and who I have because for all we know, tomorrow may never come. While we were dancing in the kitchen, she began to cry, and I just could tell we were thinking the same thing. I have school… yeah… and that’s important, but I don’t want to look back and regret the time wasted that I didn’t spend time with her while I had the chance. Especially since we are still living in the same house because I know one day I will move out, and I am going to have those memories to think back on. <;3 I need to and am going to make a more conscious effort to keep a balance.

Day 287: Your family is supposed to embarrass you. Embrace it

I keep running into reminders of her wherever I go… I see her face in the distance in strangers I’ve never met- each time scrutinizing if it’s my imagination. I hear songs like the one in this post that hit me hard and make it damn near impossible not to stop what I’m doing and just cry for her. I run into coincidences and people who have her same first name. I hear people laugh and tell stories about their grandmothers and I just want to go back in time and appreciate mine more. I truly didn’t appreciate her enough when she was here. Growing up, I was always jealous I guess because it seemed she had an obvious favorite grandchild that wan’t me. I would get embarrassed when she would post on my facebook. I overreacted when she would forget to call for my birthday, and wouldn’t always call her back right away. I didn’t tell her that I loved her enough… If only I could go back in time. I’d do it all over again. I guess what I’m feeling is guilt. Guilt and the pain of missing her. I’m doing okay I guess all things considered. I’m just fine until one of those reminders of her hits me, and this wave of sadness and memories just hit me. I get upset that she won’t be at my graduation. That she won’t ask me for new pictures to put in her wallet anymore. That she won’t be with us at Christmas with her famous one liners on giving her what she wanted then and there. She won’t be there to pose with the biggest smile you’ve ever seen… She just won’t be there. And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or how long these feelings are supposed to last, but I do know that at least I am happy to know that she isn’t in pain any more. Those last few months were just heart-breaking to watch. My oh my I have learned so much this year about life and love.

You cannot truly experience and appreciate happiness until you go through absolute sadness first. It is unfortunate, but true. I guess I got lucky that just in the nick of time, James came to my rescue and showed me how to be happy again just when I needed it. He lit my path when it was dark and mournful and for that I owe him the world. My family also grew closer and we began to share more and appreciate one another more. I guess everything happens for a reason, but I wish that the reasons they did weren’t so vague and confusing.

This may sound silly, but your family is supposed to embarrass you. Embrace it. Laugh about it. You get one shot living life to the fullest and one family to love and care for. You can decide whether to be light hearted about those things and laugh them off or to actually get uncomfortable or upset about them. There is no point in the latter. One day, you’ll wish you had. Family is supposed to be crazy and out there. Let it be. Heck, join the party even! Just don’t forget to remember that they love you, and take that extra time to appreciate them, because as sad as it is to think about… nobody lives forever. All the more reason to love them with all you have now.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

Day 283: True Loveee… Friendship. Same thing.

I love my friend Katherine soo much! We have managed to keep in contact at least once a day for about a year now. Whether we just send a smiley face via text because we are having a super busy day, or the times we send mini novels about our days and weeks and lives. Or sometimes, as shown below, we’ll just send one another pictures to share “the happs” like the ones below that we sent tonight. Even if they’re as boring as us in our study zones like tonight. Friendship takes work, and after finding out we would be going to college in states across the country, we decided that our friendship was much too important to just let fall by the wayside like some others have. Friendship is a two way street. It’s basically a relationship. It takes effort from both ends, and I think we deserve a bromance award or something for all the effort we have put into this relationship. I feel just as close with her as I did when we were best friends in high school and I know it is because we both put so much effort in and truly care for one another. Even if we may talk about ridiculous things or call one another “tool” or “beautiful douche.” Homesssss I know you’ll be reading this, and I love you so much! Fo realz. You’re the bestest! 🙂

20120930-220132.jpg

20120930-220139.jpg