Bring That Creativity Back

I love crafts. I love being creative. I love making lists. I love writing inspirational quotes on everything. I love taking time for myself once in a while.

Well. Tonight I decided to take some time for myself, get crafty and creative, make some lists, write an inspirational quote and take some time for myself. AND it turns out it all was geared towards a common goal. I want to start an Etsy shop. I started getting a bit crafty tonight as I revamped my new (purchased on sale) notebook and began to think up what I should use it for.20140323-232101.jpg

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Lately my life has been revolving around school. My dream is to become a Speech Language Pathologist, and I intend to apply to the graduate program next year. That being said, this amazing opportunity is also one that is amazingly competitive. I have been working my tail feather off night and day to be the best of the best. I even have a 104.5 in my speech anatomy class… How does that even happen?

I’ll tell you how. It happened because I have been so crazy focused on this passion and goal. By no means am I saying that this is a bad thing. I will say however, that it seems I have allowed my creativity and time to myself slip through the cracks. I need that time to myself to relax and just let my creative juices flow. There is only so much creativity that can be put forth into list making.

I of course am a very busy girl, and am by no means looking to overwhelm myself, as I am working quite possibly harder than I ever have during a semester in school, studying for the GRE, and working a job on top of all of that. I am, however, looking to find something to help keep me human and sane. Something to look forward to, but that I may also do at my own pace.

I am incredibly excited about this, and have decided that part of this new journal shall be dedicated to my brainstorming of ideas. I cannot wait!

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While I’m at it, I intend to write more. A lot more. Of what I am actually thinking. It is such a relief to get all of these crazy thoughts I have out on written paper (or computer in this instance). Whether it’s a blog post or private post, I intend to be a lot more open with myself with what I am thinking and feeling, and I see no better way to do that than to write. And boy am I excited. ❤

I also intend to start up my photography hobby again real soon. I have the resources and now it’s time to get back out there. I have been feeling so inspired lately! I probably won’t really delve into it until after my GRE is out of the way, but for now I can brainstorm and put post it’s on all of my favorite pages in my photography books. It keeps those creative juices flowing. And you know what? I have made a decision.

This year I will be creative, strong, passionate, and fierce. Look out world, here I come!

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Day 1:Being a Perfectionist Complicates Uncomplicated Things

I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. I have so many plans, but I like to go at them whole-heartedly and give things my all. I just keep seeing little things that I can slightly alter. Even after I think I am finished. For instance, currently with my résumé. I think it looks great, and then I look again a few minutes later, and see all these things that can be changed. I need to learn to accept my best. Obviously after spending hours on it, it has to look pretty damn good. I’m just having trouble with the “what ifs” about it. What if I wrote too much? What if I didn’t include enough? What if the bullet points aren’t aligned? What if the spacing is off?

I think what it all comes down to is the question…

What if I’m not good enough?

I need to take a hot bath, relax, and just have faith in myself. I’ve done all I can do. I need to realize that perfection doesn’t exist. It’s what makes us human.

If only it were that easy.

Day 287: Your family is supposed to embarrass you. Embrace it

I keep running into reminders of her wherever I go… I see her face in the distance in strangers I’ve never met- each time scrutinizing if it’s my imagination. I hear songs like the one in this post that hit me hard and make it damn near impossible not to stop what I’m doing and just cry for her. I run into coincidences and people who have her same first name. I hear people laugh and tell stories about their grandmothers and I just want to go back in time and appreciate mine more. I truly didn’t appreciate her enough when she was here. Growing up, I was always jealous I guess because it seemed she had an obvious favorite grandchild that wan’t me. I would get embarrassed when she would post on my facebook. I overreacted when she would forget to call for my birthday, and wouldn’t always call her back right away. I didn’t tell her that I loved her enough… If only I could go back in time. I’d do it all over again. I guess what I’m feeling is guilt. Guilt and the pain of missing her. I’m doing okay I guess all things considered. I’m just fine until one of those reminders of her hits me, and this wave of sadness and memories just hit me. I get upset that she won’t be at my graduation. That she won’t ask me for new pictures to put in her wallet anymore. That she won’t be with us at Christmas with her famous one liners on giving her what she wanted then and there. She won’t be there to pose with the biggest smile you’ve ever seen… She just won’t be there. And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or how long these feelings are supposed to last, but I do know that at least I am happy to know that she isn’t in pain any more. Those last few months were just heart-breaking to watch. My oh my I have learned so much this year about life and love.

You cannot truly experience and appreciate happiness until you go through absolute sadness first. It is unfortunate, but true. I guess I got lucky that just in the nick of time, James came to my rescue and showed me how to be happy again just when I needed it. He lit my path when it was dark and mournful and for that I owe him the world. My family also grew closer and we began to share more and appreciate one another more. I guess everything happens for a reason, but I wish that the reasons they did weren’t so vague and confusing.

This may sound silly, but your family is supposed to embarrass you. Embrace it. Laugh about it. You get one shot living life to the fullest and one family to love and care for. You can decide whether to be light hearted about those things and laugh them off or to actually get uncomfortable or upset about them. There is no point in the latter. One day, you’ll wish you had. Family is supposed to be crazy and out there. Let it be. Heck, join the party even! Just don’t forget to remember that they love you, and take that extra time to appreciate them, because as sad as it is to think about… nobody lives forever. All the more reason to love them with all you have now.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

Day 271: You’re just less orderly

After someone passes away, it just isn’t spoken of. Sure a week or so in everyone sends that person’s loved ones their condolences and is careful not to step on any toes around you, but after that week or two – that grace period- ends you are expected to pick back up and have all your pieces of the puzzle put back together again just the way they were before. People don’t talk about it, and are expected to move on and live life like nothing ever happened. Nobody talks about that pang of hurt and pain that hits them when they see something that reminds them of that loved one. Nobody tries to explain the loss of speech that happens when the familiar scent of their loved one trails across their nose. Nobody admits to feeling loss on the date of their loved one’s birthday or the holidays that pass that their relative will no longer be taking a part in. The family traditions that will have to go on minus one. Nobody dares to mention the truth that while in the midst of laughing at a joke they’re suddenly silent because something or someone has brought back the memory of the one they love. Nobody admits to crying and hoping that person is truly in a better place after the fact. Beforehand sure. Everyone talks about how God is waiting for them and how the angels are going to take them in their arms and protect them from all evils. But what about after? And what about people… people like me… who don’t really know what they believe in? What about them? What comfort do they get? All they know is that one month their grandmother was there with them, and the next they have disappeared into the abyss and may or may not be resting in the arms of angels and watching over them.

I guess you could say that I am still waiting for a sign to tell me what the right thing to believe in is, but for now I believe in what I know to be 100% true and irrefutable. I believe in science and logic. I believe in friends that will stand by you when you are at your ultimate low point. I believe in the genuinely kind hearts that touch my world and shake it up for a day with the kindness they share in a mere five seconds sometimes. I believe in the tears that are shed even years after someone passes because once someone has touched your life in such a way that can and will never be forgotten. I believe in the strength that we gain in realizing that life still goes on and that the world still turns without this person around. I believe that energy is neither created nor destroyed, and I believe that without understanding true pain and hurt we would never be able to understand the feeling of true love.

Ya know what I say? Ask that girl out on that date. Call up your mom just because to tell her you love her. Give that cousin you haven’t talked to in a year a phone call just to catch up. Talk about that hurt. Don’t always just paint a smile. Because life really is too short. Make the best of what you have, and don’t spend too much time being down because for every minute of sadness, you lose 60 seconds of happiness. Cry when you are sad- don’t ignore those feelings. Be true to yourself, but also remind yourself that there are good things in the world too, and that everything happens for a reason. Whatever you do, don’t forget to smile. 

Day 251: Color Me Rad

Today was so much fun. James and I went to the Color Me Rad run, which was my second 5k of the year. And yet I am still considering another this year! A year ago, never would I have ever believed you of you told me I would do one 5k willingly, let alone two in the same year, and even consider doing a third! It’s crazy how much we can change in just a year. I believe I have changed for the best.

We got to the race early, but still had to wait in line for our shirts and race numbers and such. After we were finished taking our sweet time, we realized that we had missed our race… We were in such shock. It ended up working out though because the Texas weather angels decided to be nice today and the weather wasn’t supposed to be over 85 all day, unlike yesterday where it was over 100 degrees. We just grabbed lunch and came back later for the one o’clock run since the last 9:40 wave had come and gone. All in all, it was a wonderful day, and everything worked itself out. Gosh, I sure do love this boy. 🙂

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Day 191: you truly believe you are over someone/something

You know how sometimes you truly believe you are over someone/something and then something catches your eye that reminds you of them – whether it be a photograph, item that relates to a memory you have with them, or merely picking up on a catch of a scent that reminds you of them- and then you are hit all over again as though it were day one after the unfortunate event and you find yourself just as damned as you were on that terrible terrible day? Today was one of those days. I was going through pictures and came across a video of my grandmother dancing with my aunt that I didn’t even know I had from less than a year ago with the biggest smile on her face, and I broke down. Not even a year ago she was up and dancing and happy as a clam. I hate cancer so much. I’m not sure what I expected to happen. Obviously I wouldn’t just forget about her and never have to deal with any emotions regarding her ever again, but I didn’t think it would keep hitting this hard. :/ It has been a little over a month now. It still hurts to think about. Blahhhh

Day 183: Need for passion. That passion is photography.

Today I went through some pictures on my phone and edited them before posting to instagram. I really enjoy taking pictures. I think it really helps me escape. I’ve been needing something to be passionate about for a while. I haven’t been running all that much since summer school began, but once I get back from my vacation next weekend I am going to start back up. I really don’t have much choice being signed up for a 5k in September and all. I am excited about this though. I love having something like this to look forward to. 🙂

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Day 174: It Finally Feels Like Summer

Tonight was the first time in a while that I’ve had a night that actually felt like Summer. Concert nights with friends and staying out late with no responsibilities are what Summer should be about. I can’t wait to be finished with this Summer class, and for next weekend to be over so that I’ll finally be finished with my waitressing job, and I’ll have my weekends to myself again. Summer nights are the best. 🙂

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20120624-025726.jpg We held up this “Honk of you love One Direction” sign out the window, and got over 30 honks while waiting in traffic. It was greatness. We also sang to people as they walked past our car singing, “You don’t know you’re beautiful!” it was a blast.