I keep running into reminders of her wherever I go… I see her face in the distance in strangers I’ve never met- each time scrutinizing if it’s my imagination. I hear songs like the one in this post that hit me hard and make it damn near impossible not to stop what I’m doing and just cry for her. I run into coincidences and people who have her same first name. I hear people laugh and tell stories about their grandmothers and I just want to go back in time and appreciate mine more. I truly didn’t appreciate her enough when she was here. Growing up, I was always jealous I guess because it seemed she had an obvious favorite grandchild that wan’t me. I would get embarrassed when she would post on my facebook. I overreacted when she would forget to call for my birthday, and wouldn’t always call her back right away. I didn’t tell her that I loved her enough… If only I could go back in time. I’d do it all over again. I guess what I’m feeling is guilt. Guilt and the pain of missing her. I’m doing okay I guess all things considered. I’m just fine until one of those reminders of her hits me, and this wave of sadness and memories just hit me. I get upset that she won’t be at my graduation. That she won’t ask me for new pictures to put in her wallet anymore. That she won’t be with us at Christmas with her famous one liners on giving her what she wanted then and there. She won’t be there to pose with the biggest smile you’ve ever seen… She just won’t be there. And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or how long these feelings are supposed to last, but I do know that at least I am happy to know that she isn’t in pain any more. Those last few months were just heart-breaking to watch. My oh my I have learned so much this year about life and love.
You cannot truly experience and appreciate happiness until you go through absolute sadness first. It is unfortunate, but true. I guess I got lucky that just in the nick of time, James came to my rescue and showed me how to be happy again just when I needed it. He lit my path when it was dark and mournful and for that I owe him the world. My family also grew closer and we began to share more and appreciate one another more. I guess everything happens for a reason, but I wish that the reasons they did weren’t so vague and confusing.
This may sound silly, but your family is supposed to embarrass you. Embrace it. Laugh about it. You get one shot living life to the fullest and one family to love and care for. You can decide whether to be light hearted about those things and laugh them off or to actually get uncomfortable or upset about them. There is no point in the latter. One day, you’ll wish you had. Family is supposed to be crazy and out there. Let it be. Heck, join the party even! Just don’t forget to remember that they love you, and take that extra time to appreciate them, because as sad as it is to think about… nobody lives forever. All the more reason to love them with all you have now.
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”