It’s eerie how perfectly this song matches my emotions and feelings about everything right now. Yesterday when leaving the house for my interview thing just after having learned the news of my grandmother’s passing, of course I would find myself walking into the rain. Not just a drizzle. Complete dark skies and lightening. As though the earth was crying for her… And today even. The rain continued. All day it seemed. Her passing is not going by unnoticed it would seem. As upsetting and unfair it seems that she is gone, in a way I am glad that she was finally at peace. She grew pretty close to God, and even said she was ready to go “home,” referring to Heaven. Bless her soul. Over the last couple months I could just see the strain in her face and eyes, and it was just heart wrenching to watch. Especially when she’d start crying. It was obvious she was not happy. With the unfortunate fate she was given – bone, back, liver, lung, and brain cancer with a broken spine to top it off- just watching it affect her was so hard to watch. Having to watch a person deteriorate in front of your eyes and knowing that you cannot do anything about it is one of the most helpless feelings in the entire world. It seriously struck so fast and so hard… We just learned she had cancer at the every end of March, and now, in the beginning of June, just four days before her 62nd birthday she passed away from the horrid disease.
As difficult as it is to accept that she is gone, I think I’ve done pretty well about it so far. I think her living here, and having had to watch her and be there for her while we took care of her at our house gave me a lot of time to accept what was going on. To be honest, I did grieve a bit while she was staying here. Never in front of her or my family though. It was just so real with her in the room down the hall. I’ve never been extremely close with her. I feel as though I did grow a lot closer with her near her end though, and I remember one day her telling me that I was one of her best friends. Just thinking about that hurts. Again though, I have to stay strong. One- to be able to carry on myself. Two- for my mom and other family. What has me really worried is my younger cousins: Stephanie and Lauren. Ever since I can remember, Lauren and my grandmother have been inseparable. The worst part? She is only 12 years old. I can’t even begin to imagine how she is feeling throughout this. I know that Stephanie is having a pretty hard time through all of this too. I called her last night to tell her that I loved her and that I am here if she needs anything, or just wants to spend time together or anything. She thanked me and said she had to go… I could tell she was pretty upset though. I think the first person close to you to pass away is the most difficult one. (This varies depending on how close you are to the person of course.) Just having to accept the fact that no, that person you loved and cared for actually won’t be there next Christmas or birthday. Or the ones after that, or the ones after that. I don’t think you get “over” these people’s passings. I do believe you get through them though. That acceptance is the worst part. *sigh*