Day 24

So I’m having coffee with my stepsister tomorrow. I grew up seeing her two times a week normally at least. We would always play games, color, draw, go to chuck-e-cheese… Pretty much what normal siblings do as kids. And of course I, being the younger sister, would look up to her with big eyes and a big heart, wanting to be just like my big sister. Bugging her when she didn’t want to play, envying her and her incredible artistic abilities, practicing things she would teach me so that I could have them perfect just like she did by the next time I got to see her.

So tomorrow night is just any cup of coffee right? Wrong. I’ve seen her once in the last roughly nine or ten years. And the last was about two years ago. One day she just stopped coming over. I never really got any answers, but I did know that supposedly something had happened in the car ride home with my dad that made her never want to come back. Knowing his capabilities of losing his temper, and how extreme he can get over things that don’t matter, I was always certain that whatever made her not want to come back was not her fault in the slightest. He had a habit of being so incredibly temperamental and hard headed, that anything the other person said had no value whatsoever and he was 100% right. And from experience at a bystanders view… Nearly 100% of the time he was absolutely wrong and out of his place to be saying or yelling any of the untrue things he was screaming. When I would ask when I’d get to see her again, I got the same answers every time. “I don’t know, Ariana.” And “she’s just a snob like her mom,” with rants that I obviously didn’t tune in on because I knew her much better than they did, and I knew that was 100% not the case.

When you’re ten years old and your sister – your best friend- is taken from you without so much as a goodbye… It hurts. Thinking about it now it’s like a gut-wrenching sort of pain that can’t really be fixed because what power do you have when you’re so young. I had no idea what was going on. I couldn’t pick up a phone and call her, or send her a text, or email, or even ask any god damned questions. I was in such a vulnerable state. And not being able to even ask my mom- who was supposed to want best for me- when I would see her again without another excuse… It just wasn’t fair.

I still don’t know what happened that day, and I still wish my sister and I would rekindle our sisterhood and friendship bond, but I know it isn’t likely. Who knows though, maybe this coffee date with the past will answer some questions, or at least open up that door to becoming close again. When asked if I have brothers or sisters, I tell people I’m an only child just so 1)I don’t have to think about her 2)I don’t have to explain the situation and 3)because after such a long time, my relationship with her is so incredibly distant that she’s like the second cousin that lives in another country that you’re hardly given the opportunity to think of. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Well I just hope the out of sight part is over. Forever.

Incredibly nervous, and incredibly anxious.

To be continued…


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